


IF I HAD KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

by cooloddball



Series: SUPERNATURAL [DESTIEL] CODAS [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Implied Smut, John Winchester class A parenting, M/M, References to Season 15x18 Despair, References to Season 5x03 Free to be you and me, fix it fic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:49:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27522580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cooloddball/pseuds/cooloddball
Summary: "I know two things for certain. One, Bert and Ernie are gay. Two, you are not going to die a virgin. Not on my watch." - Dean Winchester Season 5x03 'Free To Be You and Me'
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: SUPERNATURAL [DESTIEL] CODAS [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011573
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52
Collections: Destiel is Canon - 15x18 Codas





	IF I HAD KNOWN THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

**Author's Note:**

> This is a coda for Season 5x03 'Free To Be You and Me' and Season 15x18 'Despair'  
> I honestly don't know why I wrote this but it is here now so we might as well cope.
> 
> Thank you to my beta @geewobbles for your input and feedback.  
> Any errors are my own.

It had happened by chance. Maybe it was fate. Who knows. Those things seemed trivial now. They were insignificant things in the expanse of the multiverse.

That first time together, Castiel had said trapping Raphael, the not so _Teenage Mutant Ninja Angel_ would certainly get them killed. So, when Dean said, "I know two things for certain. One, Bert and Ernie are gay. Two, you are not going to die a virgin. Not on my watch." He had meant it. Maybe he had not meant it in that way where he would end up clinging to Castiel for dear life, his blunt nails digging into Castiel's back as Cas plowed into him with fervor. But maybe he had meant exactly that.

Dean had wanted Cas since the moment he had talked to him for the first time back in that warded old barn. He was handsome in a celestial way, his too blue eyes with galaxies dancing inside them, his jet black sex hair, his too pink lips, his strength and the span of his wings. All of it; his essence and power that Dean could not yet comprehend. Twelve years later and he still did not understand it. It scared Dean in that exciting way. He was intrigued and he knew he had to have him. But how do you proposition a celestial being who could annihilate you with the snap of his fingers? So Dean sucked it up and lived with his desires buried deep inside him.

Besides, Dean was a real man, and real men did not have sex with other men or even desire them. John had said once when they had watched a show with a gay scene. The small voice at the back of his mind always seemed to be there. John’s voice. But fuck it. John was long dead and Dean's private thoughts were his alone.

As he worked with Cas, he had gotten to know him and the more he knew him, the more his desire grew. That beautiful moment when they had sat down on that park bench where Castiel had bared his heart to him, saying he was questioning his orders, and Dean had known then that somehow, he could trust Castiel. If he could trust him (he would never tell anyone that he did trust him, angels were dicks afterall), he knew he could have him, and it would be their little secret. He knew he could trust him. He knew Castiel would never betray his trust and tell anyone about their tryst if it ever happened. Besides, Castiel would go back to heaven and all would be forgotten. Dean wasn't looking for a relationship, he just wanted Castiel to manhandle him for a night and then he would move on.

So after the brothel didn’t pan out for Castiel, or Dean either for that matter, they headed back to the rundown house they called home for the night. Castiel sat back on the wooden chair he had sat on earlier when he said he had never had occasion to engage in sex. Somehow talking about women and being around women in that brothel had made him squirm. Dean hoped that now he would have the courage to proposition Castiel, but it never came. As he sat down on the old disgusting couch that was meant to be his bed, he willed himself to say the words, to ask Castiel, something, anything. But somehow the words melted on his tongue just before they left his lips, his throat was dry and his palms sweaty in spite of the fact that it was a chilly night. He shook his leg, a nervous tick.

“Stop doing that,” Castiel’s sultry deep voice came, snapping him out of his nervous rut.

“Doing...doing what?” Dean choked out and cleared his throat. He dipped his hand inside his overnight bag to get a water bottle from his overnight bag but he came out with his whisky flask instead. It was fate anyway he might as well kill two birds with one stone; his thirst and drown his anxiety with liquor courage.  
.  
“Stop shaking your leg. Thinking too loud. You should sleep.” _Thinking too loud. Can he read my thoughts_? A cold sweat cascaded down Dean’s back. He took another swig of the whisky.

“You can read my thoughts?” he croaked. His undershirt was now sticking to his body.

“Of course I can,” Cas turned to face him, azure eyes piercing into his green ones as thunder clapped outside and a flash of lightning illuminated Castiel’s face. God, he was mesmerizing, the silhouette his sharp right jaw covered in partial darkness. “But I would never violate your trust like that. I would need your permission.”

“Oh,” Dean sighed as he handed Castiel the flask. Castiel declined. Dean shrugged and took another swig. They stayed silent for a while and Dean decided that the night was a lost cause. He was probably going to die or maybe Cas was or both of them and he didn’t even get laid. What? He was thirty one, his virility and stamina were still at 100%.

After a beat, Castiel spoke again after another clap of thunder had subsided. His voice was a welcome distraction.

“You lied,” Cas said rather softly.

“Well, Cas. I already told you. Humans lie. It is the only way to get by,” Dean adjusted himself on the sofa that smelled like cat piss and bad decisions so he could be more comfortable, his eyes closed, arms crossed on his chest, weapons set at an arm's length in case they needed them. This was his life.

“I am not judging you, Dean. It was just an observation,” Castiel said again, Dean could hear the rustle of his trenchcoat as if he was moving about or adjusting himself. Dean didn’t open his eyes to look.

“You said I wouldn’t die a virgin. Not on your watch. Last I checked, I was still a virgin and we are going to die tomorrow,” Cas said his breath caressing Dean’s face. Dean jumped, startled, Castiel was hovering above him, azure eyes stern and somehow darker.

“Jesus Christ, Cas! Warn a guy first! “ Dean shouted as he sat up on the sofa and rubbed his eyes. “Angels man!”

“I am sorry, Dean,” Castiel sounded hurt. He retreated and walked to stand by his chair, looking outside at the thrumming rain and rumbling thunderstorm. Dean felt bad, he understood that Castiel was socially awkward but it would take some getting used to.

Dean followed suit and stood right behind him.

“Look, Cas. I am sorry about that...everything. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to man. Whether we lie or say the truth, it really doesn’t matter.”

“But it does. Like you, you want me. You have always wanted me, I can feel your yearning. But you took me to a brothel and…”

“ _Sonofabitch!_ ” That is all Dean muttered under his breath as he watched Castiel’s nape and the jet black curls that lay there. He wanted to touch them, kiss his neck and feel his soft tan skin against his calloused fingers.

“You know. All you ever needed to do was ask, I am indifferent to sexual orientation, and I want you too,” Castiel said, turning to face Dean. His eyes stormy just like the weather outside. He took a step closer to Dean. He was so close that they breathed the same air. Angels didn’t need to breathe but still.

“Cas. I…” Dean choked out.

“I know Dean, if you want me, you can have me. I would never judge you or betray your trust. I am at your service, Dean Winchester.”

“Oh, Cas,” Dean said as he closed the non-existent personal space between them and sealed their lips.

Later, as Dean lay naked on Castiel’s trenchcoat on the filthy couch, sated and sweet soreness of their rough sexcape against the wall still lingering, he smiled knowing that he would remember this night for the rest of his life and even if they died in a few hours courtesy of Raphael, he would die a happy man. He watched Castiel fumble with his belt a pensive look on his face. Dean had said he did not want to cuddle and that what had just happened between them was him just scratching an itch so no hard feelings. Castiel had gotten up from where they had somehow landed on the sofa to catch their breaths, collected his clothes and put them on without using his mojo or talking to Dean once.

What Castiel did not tell Dean was that he had felt Dean’s soul, at that moment when he was inside Dean, they had become one in a more profound way than the handprint on his arm. When Dean was screaming Castiel’s name chanting “I don’t want to die Cas” like a prayer over and over again, the thunder rumbling on, the lightning lighting up their entwined bodies, illuminating the desire in their eyes and the hot flushed skin, making Dean’s freckles stand out and his ass clenching around Castiel, his breath catching when Castiel touched all the right places inside and outside of him. And when Castiel finally let go inside Dean, he had felt Dean’s essence flow into him and his essence flow into Dean and they had become one. _Dean, what have we done?_ What he didn’t know was that together, they had sowed a seed of eternal love. A love that transcended space and time. A love that defied God, heaven, hell and everything in between. A love that would save the world from Armageddon. But none of them knew that then.

Maybe this is why angel-human interaction was forbidden. Maybe because it was a defiance that could lead to consequences of cosmic proportions.

And now, Dean was seated on the floor of the dungeon sobbing for what he had lost, looking back on those times. Those times when things were a lot simpler, when Castiel, Cas, was just a warrior of God, an angel on a mission, those times he could deal with. Not this, whatever their relationship had become. They had become more and maybe that stormy night had changed everything, maybe that tryst had shaped their destiny to defy Chuck and have something real. Maybe that was the night that he had fallen in love with Cas too.

But it was too late now. Cas was dead and nothing mattered anymore. All he wanted was to hold Cas in his arms again, to kiss the tears from his eyes and tell him “I love you too. I have loved you as long as I have known you.” Cas would never get to hear those words, ever and so Dean sat there, willing Chuck to annihilate them all because if he had known then what he knew now, if he had not been a coward, then maybe, just maybe, his love would’ve saved Cas. It was too late now and Cas was lost to him and to the world.


End file.
